


Dispersed thoughts

by emerwenaranel



Category: The First Law - Joe Abercrombie
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:47:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24107713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emerwenaranel/pseuds/emerwenaranel
Kudos: 1





	Dispersed thoughts

I do not know how I became this kind of person. Or monster, to be more precise. Back in the Gurkish prisons, I guess. But the process was slow, before I realized that I had become a monster. It is difficult to walk and breathe but I am still alive. I guess it is important to be alive but I yearn to die. I am not going to survive for long. Or will I survive? I don't know. I guess I am going to live for a long time.

Why can I not love anyone? I assume I feel pity for women but I distrust men. Everyone is wicked, just like me. I think that I have the tendency to kill those whom I loath. I am not a good person and I find no pleasure in torturing others. I do it, nonetheless. I think that I want to do my job well. I distrust everyone and I hate others too much. I cannot find some peace of mind.

I like Ardee, she is a pure person in the world. She has flaws but I like her. I hope she likes me as much as I like her. But we cannot be together because I am a monster. I cannot be loved. I do not deserve to be loved. I am not a child to be loved. I am not the charming man I used to be. I am still the bastard I used to be, however. I am the worst kind of man. 

I have so much to do. Many thoughts are crossing my mind. I cannot calm down and I need to sleep. Hopefully forever. I doubt I will sleep for long. I will wake up and I will be in pain again. I will be in touch with the cruel reality, with liars and murderers. Spies and enemies. I hate that I have to be with them, to talk to them. I wish to disappear.


End file.
